Alexandria's Blog

New Blog Site

2011-08-16T11:15:00.001-07:00

I am no longer maintaining this blog and am posting at my web site, new blog at:

alexandriapallas.com

April showers

2010-04-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

Well, the cold and rain are finally starting to lift here in Ashland. We had bouts of warm spring weather and leftover winter weather interspersed. The coming of spring coincides nicely with what is happening in my life, and John's too. It's been up and down for us here. We love the beauty and energy of the place. And my life with horses continues to unfold and mature. But it's been hard to know how we were going to make it here financially. Little of what I thought I'd be doing here has panned out. I went through several long weeks of mourning the life I left in Portland. Mostly the yoga community I had there and the future I thought I'd have teaching within it. I missed and still miss my friends and those that I have come to love. I have also been dealing with many losses on many levels, all of which needed its proper time for grieving. It's been a difficult transition for me in many ways, while a healing and delightful one in others.

But the dark clouds definitely seem to be parting, thankfully! A new book project is forming that I feel extremely excited about. It's clearer and more on purpose than some of the other things I've tried developing this past year. I'm also looking for, and may have already found, a small part-time job to bring in a bit more money. All of the places I've checked with have stopped to talk to me and seem very interested in having me work there. Very nice to have this response. So different in a small town than in a big city!

Dakota continues to develop and grow. She's still very much a youngster, but being almost 2, she starting to develop into the mature horse she'll be in a couple of years! I continue to take her for long walks and do groundwork, and she's at a place that has lovely pasture and three other horses for her to be with. She is much more happy and alive than she was at the stables I had her at before. I can't wait until the fall when I can start her under saddle. I can't do what I really want to do with her until she's a bit older, but it will be exciting to get things really going once I can ride her.

John rides!

2010-04-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

John is taking riding lessons with Toni, the same person with whom I'm taking lessons. He had a blast, which is fortunate, since I think it is likely that, if we are going to be spending a lot of time together in the future, it will involve horses!

John is riding Tami, and Toni said he did really great for his first lesson. He has ridden before, but it's been a while.

Moving Day!

2010-03-10T22:22:00.000-08:00

Moved Dakota to her new home. Am too tired to write much, but it is so wonderful and peaceful and beautiful. She's happy and rolling and galloping in her new paddock. Will take pictures and post more tomorrow. Also have a new dog named Timmy, who is adorable and funny and will be a great playmate for Mila. Our family is growing and happy right now. Timmy is the little black dog in the picture below.

Cleaning Day!

2010-03-08T08:08:00.000-08:00

Today we cleaned up Dakota's paddock. Actually, I'd been doing it for several days but then John came to help me, great guy that he is! Dakota found it all to be very fun. I left to ride and John stayed to finish up. The two of them mugged it up for the camera...

Moving Dakota

2010-03-06T07:40:00.000-08:00

We recently went on a picnic and took Dakota and Mila with us. Dakota found it very fun and wanted to stay close to the 'herd.'

NEWS: Well, some doors close and others open. My good friend, Pat, has offered me a new home for Dakota. She has her own place with her three horses on it, all of whom I ride. I am particular to Spice, her half Arab/half Thoroughbred, mostly because she is sweet and fun, and is very close in personality to many, many horses I've worked with. I love the other two as well, Scrimshaw and Engelita, though I haven't yet ridden Engie.

Anyway, she has a lovely property with several pastures. She has offered me a pasture with a run in--MUCH nicer than what she is in now. Eventually, she may be in with her three girls, if they all get along that is. It's a wonderful opportunity to have Dakota in a safe, clean, healthy environment. There is a large arena as well, which is awesome. A lot of smaller properties like this don't have facilities like arenas. Plus it's an energy exchange!!! So it will save us a ton of money!

I'll be moving Dakota in a bit over a week, after we are sure she is free from parasites. The most wonderful thing to me is that I'll be able to totally control what Dakota eats and how she is cared for. Not sure the walks will be quite so spectacular, and I will miss the hills we walk in. But the offer is too good to pass up.

Thanks Pat!!!!

Returning...

2010-03-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a rather exhausting trip to Seattle than Portland. It was all good, just a lot to process and physically has me a bit wiped out. The trip to Seattle was wonderful, being with my dear friend, Aliyah. It was physically demanding but by itself, would have been fine. But I came back and turned around and then drove to Portland to do two days of intense yoga. I could barely walk after the second day! It's been a while with yoga! I had a lovely conversation with my friend and teacher, Matt. It was good to be with him again, and with my yoga friends.

On my return, everything seems changed, alien in a way. I don't feel like I'm really home. My horse is still great, but I found out she has the worst case of parasites any horse of mine has ever had. I find that I am trusting other people's opinions more than my own. I'm not trusting myself to know what I know. I'm changing that. And I'm waiting...waiting to know what is being asked of me. If anything.

I'm tired, but I am on my way out to clean Dakota's paddock. A friend made a lovely offer of her pasture to me, in exchange for my help with some of her needs, like taking care of her three girls when she leaves town. I can't imagine not taking her up on this generous offer. A clean, green pasture for my girl, other horse friends to be made and to spend time with. A lovely and caring woman to keep an eye on her when I'm not there. Not quite as good as having her with me on our own place, but close.

I feel unsettled, uncertain. I miss my yoga practice but have no place that feels good to do it in. No room in our small space. Can't afford to rent a studio. Not sure what to do about much of anything except to get my horse healthy and safe.

Tree in the forest?

2010-02-22T14:06:00.001-08:00

If I write a blog, but nobody reads it, are there any words? Or if I write these words, but nobody reads them, do they have meaning? Or...who gives a crap, eh???

A woman with horses...

2010-02-22T13:08:00.001-08:00

It's interesting. I'm finding, increasingly, that words don't come. It's getting harder for me to find them, whether I'm writing, speaking, thinking. There's no rage, no windmills to battle, no great truths to write about. Just a growing sense of quiet. I'm not sure this is the same thing as peace. I don't always feel peaceful. There is inner turmoil, a struggle between the world of language, work and community, and my only clear, remaining desire to be alone in a place of quiet, with my horse in the mountains, walking my dog by the lake. Me, my horse, a dog or two. Walking in fields littered with the most beautifully configured dead limbs and trees. Tall grass. And wind. When I'm not there, my mind is there. For sure my heart is there. I've never been at ease in the world, but I always thought I was supposed to 'do' something in it. But it's hard to engage in the world when there is no struggle, nothing to conquer, with no real desire to 'do' anything or say anything. It's hard to construct a story out of nothing. A story requires words, so where are we when there are no words? Nowhere? Everywhere? I don't know. Sometimes I feel nowhere, like nothing, invisible. Sometimes I feel everywhere, totally connected, and everywhere I look I see the eye of god looking back at me. God looking at god. But I do know it's very hard to be in this body without a story, without words, a narrative of your life. I am....this... A woman with a horse who likes to walk in the mountains...

The world is a strange place...

2010-02-22T09:43:00.000-08:00

...and I'm still trying to figure out how to live in it. We had this thing develop in the past three weeks that looked to be something awesome. John and I have always dreamed of having a real home with property. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to have my horse with me on my own place. So a friend suggested we talk to her ex-husband about property they used to live on together. 6+ acres, cute house, lovely surroundings. It needs a ton of work, so we'd work on it and renovate in exchange for rent. We met with him, got along well, things were very positive. Emailing took place, negotiations were made. It all looked like a huge YES! We met with him again on Saturday, it was a go. He was going to leave a key so we could start on the place. We went out and spent some time on Sunday looking at the property, dreaming, planning. We came home to an email, an EMAIL, that indicated he was changing his mind.

We were stunned. We had spent a lot of time talking about how perfect it was, how taken care of we were, how we could afford to live on the income we presently have, our dreams of having land and a place like that to call home. We planned repairs, we planned pasture renovations. We went pretty deep into this.

And now, poof, gone. Like piss in the wind. So that's life. It is. That's my experience of how life goes. Did we create this? I guess we did. But we are not stupid people, nor overly naive, and neither of us saw this coming.

So back to plan A. We have a nice apartment, my horse has a nice home. For the next few months we are able to swing it. I will have to make an income asap to make sure we swing it for much longer than a few months. Okay, that was the original plan. Where this came from and why, I have no idea. We were treated shabbily. We probably dodged a huge bullet with this guy. But still, the question lingers. Why? Why have it come up, why have it taken away? The question most asked by human beings when they are faced with something that seems impossible or incomprehensible. Why?

The world is a strange, strange place. I have always found it to be so. I've manifested some wonderful things. A great partnership with a wonderful man. Strong and loving bonds with my assorted dogs, horses, birds. I love the world in its natural state. If I had my own way, I'd live in a log cabin with minimal amenities, have my husband, horse, and dog with me, and nothing more. I'd be happy not having anything or anyone else in my life. I'd grow things, food we could eat, ride my horse, ride into town every so often for supplies, but other than that, not have much to do with anyone else. I just don't think I'm cut out for community. As a friend once said, community is a good idea, but then you have to deal with the people. This is what I want, and all I want:

More Dakota

2010-02-18T22:39:00.000-08:00

Seems like that is all I post about these days is my horse! I've been doing a lot of groundwork with her and of course taking her on our mountain walks. My friend, Trish, took some pictures of me playing with my fuzzy baby!

Another day walking in the mountains

2010-02-15T11:38:00.000-08:00

This past weekend we had some wonderful time walking in the mountains with Dakota, Mila and our friend, the stable barn dog, Buddy. That's buddy in the picture of me and Dakota. The views around the stable and from the hills around it are quite spectacular! And as you can see, the clouds on that day were pretty dramatic. That's often the way it is in the winter here. It can be cold and wet, but even the wet days have dry spells and the skies are often quite restless and beautiful.

Dakota and the dogs and me.

John appreciating the view...

Blogs combined

2010-02-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

A recent photo of me with the family...

I've decided that too many blogs makes for confusion. So I'm combining my personal blogs into one. Just don't have time for so many and I'll probably have a hard time keeping up with this one. I will update my experiences with Dakota here as well as my experiences in my life!

Many things....

2009-10-16T17:19:00.001-07:00

There are many things afoot in my life right now. Most importantly, I'm now feeling more settled in my life here in Ashland, and I'm ready to step into the 'bigger container' that has called me down here. What does that mean? First off it meant a horse. Not sure why, but it did. So I am the proud owner of a yearling filly named Dakota. It also means finally really committing to the work. My projects on indifference and torture. Not pleasant subjects, but I suppose that is the point. I have been working on my web site, both of them, alexandriapallas.com and my web site on the project, the Lie of Torture. I also have another blog that is dedicated just to my work, and another that is dedicated to my horse! Lots of things to keep up with!

So I now have to find a way to make all these things work together. The horse, the project, the work for the project. My new life begins in earnest...

Update

2009-07-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

We are fast approaching the time of our move to Ashland! Traveling back and forth each weekend is definitely stressful and rather exhausting, but it has been well worth it! Each trip has brought us new adventures, new friends, and new ideas for our futures here. We are both excited and very grateful for the new life that awaits us. My book is already a bit behind, with all the goings on, but I hope to get back on track this week and get some solid work done. I think the book is quite timely and an important perspective on a topic that bears our attention! For more, here is the link to the site of the project. The site needs development, but at least it can give you an idea of what it's about: The Lie of Torture. I'll be posting more as things develop. Stay tuned for updates and info about our doings.

It's been a while now...

2009-03-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted anything for a while now. But recent contact with old friends has inspired me to get back to my blogging! Please excuse my former entry. I was rather punchy from too much being at home. That's all better now. In fact, I'd love to have the problem of being too much at home and hope to have it again. My life has, in the past year, been way too focused outward. After all those years of intensive internal work and focus, I find I have to learn how to balance these things in my 50s! I've done a lot of the inner work, my 'human homework,' as Jean Houston used to call it, and I've been feeling called to put all that learning into action. To give back, to serve. What you want to call it.

My first foray into that territory has been to help my Portland yoga teacher and my yoga community through some challenges and recreate something new. I find my talents and experience are best suited for helping people confront and step through whatever is the most difficult and frightening thing to them at the moment. In other words, whatever piece of shadow they need to confront at that time in their lives. Good thing the form of yoga I practice is called Shadow Yoga. Very handy.

I plan to continue to help as things develop with my yoga community, but I also plan to get back to my own work and see where I am needed next. Get my marching orders, so to speak.

Btw, that's Mila, my vision quest dog, in the picture. Found her during a vision quest last year, right after it actually, and took her home from New Mexico. She is now about 45 pounds of the best dog imaginable. Here are current pictures of her:

Do I need something to do?

2008-12-26T12:16:00.000-08:00

I have just discovered that my computer makes really neat home movies. I found this out by sitting and playing with a program that allows me to record audio...and video, I have discovered. I think I know a lot about computer usage and then find out I know NOTHING!! So here is my contribution for today.

Take me out to a ball game!

2008-07-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

My friend, Kate, and her husband, Scott, were visiting Portland from Denver, Colorado. We had a lot of fun with them, eating out, meeting up at the Marina Fish House for lunch, and here, at a Beaver's ballgame. The Beavers played Tacoma and lost 13-5, but we still had a fun time stuffing ourselves with hot dogs and other foods commonly consumed at ball games! It was really great to meet Scott and to see Kate, who was my very best friend for many years and who I hadn't seen in 18 year!! I was delighted to see that she has gotten older, wiser, and more fully herself, but in her essence, she is the same loving, lovable Katie I always knew! It was so great to see her!

John loves to go to baseball games!

Day at Grand Central

2008-07-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

The bakery, not the station! We frequent Grand Central at least three times a week, and this time we brought Mila with us. I love Mila to bits!!! Okay, there are pictures of us too. But Mila!!....

July 4th with Kate and Scott

2008-07-05T06:56:00.001-07:00

My good friend, Kate, visited from Colorado with her husband, Scott. I haven't seen Kate for about 18 years! Since I lived in Manhattan. She and I were best friends when I lived in Englewood and then Littleton, Colorado, and we stayed in touch ever since, though lately by email. It was great fun to see her again. The picture above was taken by a very nice sheriff patrol man who was lashing his patrol boat to the dock.

The picture below was a display of the flag we thought quite impressive. Though I'm not feeling very patriotic these days, I thought it worth a shot!

Ahhhh!!!

2008-07-05T06:49:00.001-07:00

OH MY GOD! What am I seeing that makes me so, so, well you see for yourself.....

It was the day I decided to move my office back into the room where it used to be!!! Horrible mess...

But now it's all clean and I have a wonderful view again of my bird feeders in the backyard. My hummingbird, for those of you who know about my little friend, is still around and more grown up. She now has more of the silvery red markings typical of Anna's hummingbirds. For more on the hummingbird story, you can check it out here... And for an update here... And for another update here...

2008-07-05T06:43:00.000-07:00

John and I recently went to a reunion of his in Indianapolis. He was a big-time swimmer there and swimmers from all over the country converged to celebrate swimming in Indianapolis. John is on the far right, then going left it's Joan Diercks, our dear friend and his friend from Kindergarten, can you believe? Then it's Ava who worked at the Riviera Club, John's swimming club, for many years, then on the far left is John Diercks, our other dear friend from Indy and John's friend since they were around 14, I believe. The only reason we ever consider moving to Indianapolis is because of John and Joan!! We have a blast with them and love them both dearly. They are more like family than anything else...

Old Obama pix

2008-07-05T06:35:00.000-07:00

Today I'm catching up on my blog. This was from Obama's first trip to Portland, back before hardly anyone knew his name. It was taken September 7, 2007, and John had read his book Audacity of Hope and wanted to see him be president. He predicted back then that Obama would be our candidate. Good prognostication skills, John!

There were maybe 3000 people there. Maybe a good number for a relative unknown, but nothing like the 100K that attended his most recent rally here in Portland! But at least we were close enough to see him!

Let's see how it works...

2008-06-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

with photos!

A Shala photo shoot picture:

Today

2008-06-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

I’m testing out a new way of blogging.

Goodbye, my dear friend

2008-06-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

Today we are putting our dear friend, Appie, to sleep. I have had her since she was very tiny, able to fit into the palm of my hand. She is very old and very tired and her life has become so narrowed and difficult for her. She tells us with her eyes she would really like it if we would let her go. She had been waiting patiently till we were ready.

We love you, Appie:

Picture of Mila

2008-06-16T09:49:00.000-07:00

So Erin can see how much Mila looks like the dog in her picture. Maybe not so easy to see unless I had a shot of Mila's face up close:

Erin's Song

2008-06-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

Here is a little song that reminds me of my dear friend, Erin Claire...

Okay, so this stupid thing isn't working and I can't get it to load directly, so here's a link to the song...sorry about that

Click HERE for the song!!!

2008-06-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

I miss Erin Claire, but I love looking at her blog (click here to see). I have her bike so I know she'll have to come back to get it. It's a cold, gloomy day here in Portland. We just got back from a fun visit in Indianapolis where it was 90 degrees and humid. Quite a shock. John has a cold. I have the blues. I'm working on my book on indifference, feeling very inspired by my trip to do so.

John and I discussed selling our house in a year and being free to move and live wherever we want. Invest the proceeds and have mobile lifestyles and ways of making an income. Thus, the new inspiration to get the book written and to get on with my work! John said he was inspired by my dear friend Erin Claire. Our dear friend. Who gave away almost all of her belongings, save the few things we are storing for her, packed her suitcase and went to spend time with her father in Louisiana. It awoke something in John, a desire to be free, unattached in a healthy way. He wants to do humanitarian work with the rest of his life. I want to write about indifference and other things we don't want to look at but must if we are to evolve. We need to be free to do these things. Who says we are supposed to own a house and stay rooted in one place? Portland has been good to us, good for us. It was good for us to be rooted for a while. But now, my own innate desire to be open and free is reasserting itself and, to my good fortune, I am married to someone with the same nature.

I will be sad to sell my home. It's quite adorable and I love my garden that I created and the stone retaining walls I built and the fence we had put in and my nandina. It's the only home I've ever owned. But do we really 'own' such things. We pay to stay in them for a time, but they were there before, housing someone else's family, and they will remain long after we are gone. Do we own the ground they are built on? Who can own the earth, any more than own the sky? We borrow such things for a time and then we leave them, one way or another.

I'll post pix from Indy as soon as I get home. That's all for now...

2008-06-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been back a few weeks now, but I'm not sure all of me is here just yet. Most of me. I still find myself back in Vienna for a moment, sitting on the floor, listening to Zhander talk about the yoga. There is a comfort in the speaking that I miss, something that is taking place that feeds me at a very deep level. Of course, as always, the challenge is always bringing that 'something' back home and integrating it into my life. And I am finding that to indeed be a challenge. It would be so easy without all the distractions of an engaged life. I lived for a long, long while with very minimal engagement, and had the luxury of few attachments to distract me from my own, inner work. But I changed that, knowing that is not what I came here to do. I felt the shift and opened myself to it, and now I face what most face who open themselves to 'the world' and all of its volatility.

Harder to integrate this way. More stressors, more things to set me spinning. Of course I know there is absolutely no difference, being engaged, not being engaged. Same me, same Self, just requiring a more disciplined mind.

So I ate some chocolate-covered brown rice puffy things that gave me a huge migraine. Missed practice. Feel like crap. Big headache centered just above my left eye.

John and I joined others at the Shala where I practice for a night of bowling. John bowled 161!!! Can you believe? I bowled 93, which for me was very good, since I haven't bowled since I was 12! I didn't like the gutter balls at all and was quite pouty when I made them. But I was very happy when I hit strikes and spares. I like them much, much better.

Here's a picture of us. Yes, those where my onion rings and I ate almost ALL of them:

2008-05-10T00:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I lied. THIS will be my last post from Vienna. A short one. I'm in the airport waiting for my veerrryy long flight from Vienna to Washington DC. It took 9.75 hours to get from Portland to Frankfurt, with another hour or so to Vienna. So why does it take 9.5 hours to get from Vienna to Wash.DC??? Then another 5.5 to Portland!?? That's a lot of flying. 3.5 hours in Wash.DC. Yes, I'll be ready to be home by the end of all this. I had a glorious time here in many ways. I feel melancholy leaving Vienna. It has had so much to offer me. Not all of it easy, but I'm very grateful. Zhander was so incredibly giving. So much information with so much caring and integrity. And so much to bring back!!!

So, see you all soon. Can't wait to be home. I have a list of things I want to do and places I want to eat, though after eating simple foods for three weeks I'll have to take it easy! Bye for now...

Last Day (for blogs) in Vienna

2008-05-08T05:25:00.001-07:00

This will be my last blog entry in Vienna. It's a good thing there are only two more days left, though. They are doing construction on the floor below, and my pleasant little room vibrates with the drilling of the walls below. Still, I am enjoying my last few days here in Vienna. I'm so glad the clouds parted on Sunday and I've really been able to be present here. I mean, it's Vienna! for crying out loud.

I had a lovely breakfast with fellow practitioners. What a nice group of folks. It helps that I really like being in my own skin. Nice to be able to say that. Had a lovely walk to Stadt Park. My second time there. It was a glorious day, not a cloud in the sky. So lovely.

The practice: Today we learned the very beginning of the seated practice he was going to teach us. It involves correct positioning of the entire body, and the focused breathing I mentioned earlier, bringing it through the nadis on each inhale and exhale, through the 'gates,' the marmas. Today we started to learn to circulate the vayu through the nadis in the legs. Very intense work. Mental work. Focusing the mind inward to these energetic pathways and keeping it there. I was quite surprised the first time I did this. I immediately felt very clearly the vayu moving along the path of my inhale. It was very, very quick and quite defined and I felt it all along the pathway to a clearly defined point at the arch of my foot. It was quite pronounced! My thought was 'oh, there it is!' Amazing how it is so alive there, and all that is required is to just pay attention! I was surprised how clearly I felt it. Then the exhale, a different pathway back to the root of the kanda, where all the nadis begin.

He has impressed upon us the importance of absolutely no forcing, no imposition. Also, how the way he is teaching this to us is specific to this particular group. Same process with each group he teaches, but a different approach to it. We have practiced simple nadi work, inhale and exhale, through each prelude for three days. Now, we do it sitting and add the internal circulation of vayu in steps.

He also has stressed repeatedly the need to be very, very careful when approaching this work and especially in trying to teach it. You can really mess yourself up in a big way doing this work when not ready and without the guidance of a teacher. I believe him. Once I did, without even thinking, exactly what he said not to do--I forced the movement of vayu through the nadi when it felt blocked in a particular pose.

The consequence was immediate. It felt very bad. Very wrong. My immediate thought as soon as I felt this reaction was 'oh, shit, I just did what he said not to do.' And I woke up very dizzy the next morning. Another time I pressed on what I guess to be marma points where I felt blocked. I was fascinated by the level of release I felt when I did so. I did it over and over. Each time my entire chest released and the space in my lower abdomen felt cavernous and my inhale was so much deeper. I also gave myself a mild asthma attack! I guess some of us still have to learn the hard way! But it prepared me well for today, which is even more delicate. I now know clearly not to force ANYTHING! And to leave those marma points alone!!! Geez!!!

But real the point is, while this work will definitely become a big part of my own work, I won't be bringing this practice home to share. Sorry. But I believe in maintaining the integrity of the teaching. You'll just have to come to one of these on your own if you want to learn it! Or wait until Matt or perhaps Andy or Lita feel ready to teach it!

So that's it! 2 more classes, 1 more full day after today, and I come home. To sum it up, a great inner and outer cleansing coupled with deep insights and LOTS of new information to integrate. Along with a very 'revised' perception of what this work is all about. I look forward to seeing you all and sharing more of my journey here!!

Now for the last of the pictures. I visited a couple parks today. As you can see, the Viennese are careful to keep their parks well contained. Wouldn't want them spilling out onto the streets! Ha.

Once inside, quite lovely...

Check it out. A memorial statue to Schindler (for those who don't know who he is, check out the movie 'Schindler's List'):

Cool Viennese street scene...

Another shot of the opera house (otherwise known from earlier posts as Big Building:

Look familiar? TGIF's never looked like this in the states:

Noisy room...

2008-05-06T06:28:00.000-07:00

Had to change rooms today. They are doing construction underneath the room I was in. Not good for resting, doing practice, sleeping, or just about anything else you can think of. So I'm in a smaller room, but energetically much nicer. Very clear, while the other room was dense. Okay, so I'm thinking it's not really an accident. I needed the other room while in a more 'dense' place myself! This room is crisp and bright and clean and would not have served to contain or allow for the cleansing of the crap that came out the first two weeks.

The energy work we are doing, as basic as it is, is definitely bringing up more stuff, though more physical and energetic than emotional. Energetic blocks in points along my chest. I could feel them yesterday in the way he had described it, though these are not major transfer points (marmas) but lesser ones a long the line. This AM I woke up with tightness in this whole area. I'm thinking, at least the first layer, is asthma residue. I haven't had any real asthma for years, but as a kid, I had it bed. I almost died when I was 4. Turned blue, went far, far away, was tied to my body by a tether. Then brought back by a woman doctor my father called out of desperation.

So, there's definitely a story there. I've worked with that story plenty, but here it is, in my body. I'm finding something interesting in all this work. I've done a tremendous amount of inner work for about 30 years on and off. Huge, big stuff. Worked with a lot of really deep crap. Had to or I wouldn't be here now. But now what I'm finding is that there are residues, patterns embedded in my body. These things I worked on exist as traces in these energetic bodily patterns. So while I worked on the level of the mind and the emotions, it always remained non-integrated on a very primal, basic level--that of the body.

So I'm finding that many of these old patterns are coming up, but also I'm finding there really isn't a lot of juice behind them! Whatever remains of them have come up and I stayed with them, felt them, let them come up as they needed to, and then they dissipated, and the energy they contained is being integrated through the practice! It's like my favorite analogy--squeezing a sponge! It's there, physically and energetically in my tissues, in the energetic pathways, and the work squeezes them out. So there is NO shortcut to doing this work through the body. But having done the work on other levels has definitely cleared the way for this work in that I'm dealing more with a shallow pool than a deep well of old garbage!

I don't know if that makes sense, but it's very interesting to me to see this at work. Makes me even more glad for all the hard work done over most of my lifetime. Of course, I needed all that hard work just to be able to be functional enough to take this work on!

So there is more stuff coming up, but it's on a completely different vibration than that of the first two weeks. This is purely showing up in my body and energy path. Zhander is stressing the criticalness of NO FORCE in this work. NO imposition! He is hammering this into us day after day. This energetic work has to move slowly and find its own inner intelligence, and I feel in no rush at all. I have so much to bring back with me and work with to make come alive, and the seeds have definitely been planted.

When I did the three-week intensive in Oct/Nov., I knew immediately that I had to come to Vienna. Not any other place but here. What he is teaching us is exactly the thing I've been craving and feeling the internal urge to move into. A whole different level of practice. This is exactly what he talked to us about the first few days. "Revised preludes" is more about revising our relationship to our practice and how we practice it! That is definitely happening for me in a huge way. I see my practice in such a different light. Inviting in the light. That is really what this is all about for me. Creating the most welcoming and stable environment possible to invite the light to stay in. That's how you 'fit' the light into the body. You make the body, the mind, all of it, transparent and then that's all there is, is light. Sounds easy, and it is for the very few who can cut through all this bullshit and get it all at once and live it. For the rest of it, it takes some work. So here I am, having heeded the voice that said 'get thee to Vienna!!' Yes, m'am!.....

Okay, so I'm cheating now and showing pictures that I didn't share before but took earlier. Haven't felt inclined to take more photos, but I'm meeting my Austrian friend, Karin, for lunch at the Museum for Applied Arts and I'll bring my camera. Nice to have as many views of Vienna as I can get while I'm here, eh? The first picture of a cute Austrian cousin of my own Yaris here in Vienna. Of course my Yaris is much cuter. The second is of a car that I think might possibly be the cutest little car I've ever seen. Yes, I love small, cute little cars, if I love cars at all. The rest of the shots are from Sunday's jaunt:

I like Vienna!!!

2008-05-05T02:15:00.000-07:00

I definitely am finally enjoying being here!!! Today we started the nadi work Zhander talked about, which, despite my fears, I was not at all excluded from! He is taking us through it very slowly and very cautiously. It is intense work, most of it mental focus on where the breath is going. We are focusing on the nadi system involved with inhalations and exhalations. There are points where the prana moves during each and today, we focused on those pathways while doing Bala. No sitting yet, which is where we are heading. I guess he felt we needed more work on the pathways first. This is all the basis for pranayama practice, and I'm starting to really understand why it is so important to take these things so slowly. To jump into working with the breath in this way is not only dangerous, but a complete waste of time without setting the foundation first. And that is not only just to do the pose work but to understand energetically what is happening. To know the 'inner landscape' pretty thoroughly so that when you do go to the floor and work with the breath and energetic pathways there, you can do it consciously and mindfully, working with these energies with understanding. Otherwise, I can really see how you can do damage by awakening energies and not knowing the proper pathways they should be moving through. Let them move the wrong way and things can get stuck or feed the wrong system or whatever.

Anyway, it's fascinating and powerful stuff. Today I definitely know why I am here. The first two weeks, so much shit came out it wasn't even funny. Any residue of crap I had seemed to come flying in my face. I had been feeling very dense, very thick, and congested, bound, conflicted--you get the idea--before I came. So many new things coming into the picture, including my work at the Shala, my own project which is becoming huge. My husband, my dog, all changing, swirling. I felt lost in all the density of being in the world so much. It's easy to focus on the center and stay relatively clear when I'm not so much 'in the world.' But I've thrown myself out there in a huge way, so it's a different way of being for me now.

So, it feels like lots of cleansing and purification as all of this is coming into focus along with the work we are doing. This is definitely not just about preludes. I look forward to bringing back some of the relatively minor changes to the forms. But this work, well, this is where the real juice is for me. I hope we can find a way to continue this kind of study back home. I know I will be doing so on my own, but it would be so good to be able to work with this kind of practice together. Zhander has said that he is moving people in a direction. I feel lucky that I've plugged into this work with him at this time, when he is starting to take us more inward into the subtleties of yogic work. Yogic anatomy, he calls it. Familiar to some of you, I'm sure, but for me, it's only just now starting to really come alive on the inside.

I'm also starting to like Vienna much more. I know my way around now. Found places to buy food. I'm making new friends. I just had a really nice, fun chat with some of my fellow students, people from all over the world. Poland, Vienna, London. An Austrian woman named Sonia lived for four years in Shaker Heights, Ohio, just about 20 minutes from where I grew up in Cleveland. Very funny. And Greg, a Polish fellow who is a bit rakish and rather adorable, was an exchange student in Michigan, which is of course next to Ohio. So in this last week, I am making more connections and friends. I like being here a lot more. Feeling very much better in my own skin.

I think knowing I'll be home in a few days helps! Saturday I'll leave class a little bit early and take the subway to the airport. My plane leaves around 11am and I travel about 20 hours or so. Thanks to the time change, I'll be back Sat. night around 8:30pm Portland time! I plan to spend Sunday eating. Ha! And snuggling with my wonderful husband I miss so much and my two warm cuddly dogs. I hope they remember me!

More from yesterday's very pleasant outing:

Sunday, something is different...

2008-05-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

I woke up today and did little but lie around. Read the rest of the Sword of the Lictor, only to find out there is a fourth volume I didn't know about and don't have. Have to wait to find out what Severian does next. I also read today that Severian is a big, fat liar. An unreliable narrator. Bummer.

Tourist season has started here, but fortunately for me, today it rained. Hard enough to keep many of the tourists away. I felt fed, no survival worries. I stepped out in the early afternoon for a walk and into a whole different landscape. A different internal landscape more than anything. It was a peaceful place, quiet and centered. I felt like I had finally arrived here and returned home all at the same time. I walked past the tourist buses by the museums and down around the 'ring.' More huge buildings. he Parliament, the volks garten, huge cathedrals. It started to rain. Lucky for me I have my little umbrella and I walk in it just fine. It was so quiet, few people, the smell of horses as carriages went by. I love the smell of horses, even their manure. Ambrosia!!!

I walked and walked. Felt like I was 'in Vienna' for the very first time. Enjoying it. I have been hearing Zhander's voice in my head throughout the weeks here. I wake up with the things he is saying wafting around in my head. During evening practice, walking around the streets, the voice winds in and out and around my mind. Not today. It was quiet in there today. We weren't supposed to think about practice today and I did as I was told. Just walked, got a bit wet. It was good.

I came back to my room. Did some stuff. Somewhere at some point, a picture popped into my head. Things often come to be in pictures, some of which I then sit down and draw out. I drew this. A simple picture, to be elaborated on when I get home. A picture of a small pile of wood, a fire burning, the air stirring into wind above it, the wind moving. A picture of energies, my energies. How they might work together, feeding and supporting each other. Water to grease the pipes, to moisten the air and green the desert. It's a simple picture, and it fits into how my body is put together. I can connect this picture to to the work we do in class, to poses and stances and movements. I can feel it in my body as I do. There are centers where these energies get generated, where the alchemy happens and these energies come together and one of them is produced and supported by the others. But then these energies run through my whole body, like rivers, and each of them needs to be working and supporting each other everywhere. Earth supports and feeds the fire, the fire stirs the air, the wind moves, the water keeps the air cool and moist. Keeps the rivers flowing.

I felt something opening. The glimmer of understanding. For the first time, I think perhaps, just maybe, I'm starting to unwind the knot that binds me. The puzzle that has eluded me. The one about how to live in this body. To not want to rip at it and burn away the skin. To tear my way out of it. To not despise it and hate it and feel confined by it. It is easy for me to find 'home' without the body. To step back and back again and then back again and find Home. But I have a different feeling of being 'at home' today. Maybe this body is 'home' too.

I have never cared about becoming 'enlightened.' My problem is the other way around. My question is how to be embodied! How to BE and be in a body, BE a body at the same time.

Somehow this picture I have, feels like the beginning of a bridge that just might take me between these worlds. The relative world, the absolute world, matter and spirit, body and Self. Because I know what I have always known. The true way home is not divorcing one from the other but finding the truth in both.

Here are pictures from my walk today:

Weekend

2008-05-03T05:43:00.000-07:00

I'm entering my last week here. One more practice this evening, then I'm off tomorrow all day. Our task is to relax and take things softly and slowly. We've gone through all the preludes already. Very quickly through Moving and Circling. We did the closing poses today, which I knew already. They are the same for every prelude. Next week we are going through them all again, but he has planned something else, a pranayama practice that is to be done before the practice. He says some people will not be doing that. For some reason, I believe I will be one who won't be permitted to do it. I'll find out next week.

Not much more to say about Vienna. I would like to see more of it, not just the area I'm in. But I'm not very inclined to take subways and check it all out. I'm tired and wanting mostly to stay quiet. I plan to visit a museum or two tomorrow on my day off and read in the park. Perhaps go by the water or to Stadt Park to walk a bit.

Sorry, no pictures today. I'll take some tomorrow of some nice scenery. Today I want to get through my evening practice and try to get an early sleep. I'll do some work on the Shala stuff. I've been writing for my own project too. Developing my storyboard a bit as I get ready to start applying for funds. I started work on the book as well.

I would love it if they decided to do this workshop in France next year. Or Italy. Or Spain. Off to get away from the cigarette smoke. Cafe Sperl has good internet but everyone smokes here and my lungs are definitely not used to it! Which is a good thing. I understand there is no smoking in London, so that would be a nice place for an intensive too!

Hard night

2008-05-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in Starbucks at 8pm and that shows you just how desperate I am. My hotel room was closing in on me tonight. I'm working on the Shala questionnaires. I am so incredibly grateful for the honesty and thought that went into all of your responses, those of you who did respond, that is! I have a very good picture of where things are and I'll be presenting it all to Jody and Matt soon after I get back! Plus we have some exciting new marketing strategies developing, business cards, all kinds of goodies. It's hard to be here and have all this bubbling up, only waiting for me to get to it!

Two Days LATER: No real reason I never finished that post other than I didn't have much to say! That was a hard night for me. The Wednesday (hump day) of the second week. Not a good day for me. I felt such intense frustration at being here and all alone. It was one of those "I can't stand this another minute" feelings. Of course, I did stand it, and it eased quite a bit once I realized that it really had nothing to do with wanting to come home, which of course I do. It had much more to do with what is emerging for me in this solitude and how nice it would be to be distracted from it. I had a hint of this when I felt some very old, self destructive feelings pass through me. Then it was, 'ah, I get it' and everything eased up and I felt a shift. It is also nice to know I'm on the other side of the 'hump.' One more practice day tomorrow, then Sunday, then the homestretch. Today was nice too in that the London women took me under their wing a bit and invited me to breakfast. Lunch next week. I find that, while I totally miss my family and friends, I also am not very inclined for socializing. So just a little contact was good.

I do have some practice news. Circling form has some changes. Finally, something new to bring home! Of course, one of the changes is beyond my capability, but he said the pose was on the DVD, so I can point to it!! I'm also going to try to work it while I'm here and see where I can take it. At the beginning of Circling, we no longer to the side lunges with reverse prayer, etc. We do Vahni! We are holding it for five breaths. Not sure if that is standard, but we do Vahni, then go right into the Prasarita variations. Oh joy, my favorite. My injured hamstring is very sore. Not re-injured, but definitely a bit pissed off at me for asking it to do this after it thought it had successfully prevented me from EVER going there again. I'm bringing it along slowly this time. I have the rest of my life to master Prasarita, and, I'm giving myself notice, I WILL master it someday. It is my particular mountain to climb, and most likely just the first of many mountains to follow. But perhaps, it is the one that will unlock the door that will make the others much more doable?

Anyway, we do Vahni, then Prasarita variations, no changes there, then we come up out of Prasarita, and into the same sequence we've always done. Up to a point. There are two major changes. The reverse Sarpa now winds much farther and you are to rest on your bent leg with the other leg up off the floor. I'd be happy to demonstrate when I get home, but this is the pose that eludes me as of now. Like I said, the DVD has it. And I'll try to get it better by the time I get home. I believe the reverse Sarpa we were doing before was preparation for this one.

The other change is in doing Sarpa at the end, we only do it once each side then go into Praying Mantis, which looks to me to be a martial arts pose. Very cool. My injury didn't like it, but once it is better, it will be good to do. You do that once to each side, then right into Surya Namaskar. We will be doing the closing sequences tomorrow (Hanuman, Mayurasana, Paschimo, etc.)

So a few changes here. Next week he is going to show some of us something to be done before practice that churns the energy. I believe it will be the Shakti Chalana mudra (involves ujjayi breathing, bhastrika, surya bedha, nauli), and I believe we have done some form of this before in our practice at home? I'm not at all sure and may be completely wrong. And I may never know. Only some of the folks are going to be able to do that. I may not be one of them, if what I'm hearing is true. I can't do 5 minutes of mayurasana! Maybe 2 minutes, but wobbling and not fully outstretched. So I may be of no help there either. Sad, because I will fail miserably in my job as emissary for the Shala.

That's it, except for a few more Vienna pictures. Mostly of one building from different angles that I thought was cool. Until later....

2008-04-30T01:45:00.000-07:00

The Moving Form is moving along nicely. Nothing new so far. Didn't expect there to be. Uttanasana was good today. Got my forehead to my knees. That is progress. Zhander has been really open and real with us. Very giving. He taught in Hungary last weekend. People were so poor he took no money. They brought eggs and chickens.

I continue to swim, as Andy put it. Swimming, yes, swimming with all my might. I want to squeeze every penny out of this trip! We sacrificed much for me to come here. So keeping myself right on point, in the middle of the practice and all that is being evoked here. Contemplating where my life wants to take me. How I'm going to bring my work forward. Who the hell am I, anyway, and what the hell IS my work? Lots of time to reflect and feel and swim in it all. Oh yes, swimming away.

Vienna is boring me now. I'm sick of the food. Portland has MUCH better food. The pastries at Grand Central beat anything here all to shit. Though Andy says butter is good for me and there is a lot of good butter here. There are nice spots, but how many big buildings can you see? I would much rather have stayed in the old part of Vienna in what used to be the wineyards. Very old European. No big buildings, but a charming old European village. Reminded me very much of southern France, which I love. Much more character. Less ego imposition. More humble, sweet, relaxed.

But for today, more big buildings, though I did venture out to a local garden area and took some shots there. A view from a balcony of some lovely Austrian horses and other sites...I'm sure I'll something more interesting to say tomorrow...

Shadow practice, Second Monday

2008-04-28T02:43:00.001-07:00

See the post below for photos of my outing outside and around Vienna yesterday. Today, I'll post some more photos at the end of this post.

Not much to report pratice-wise, really. It is so hard to share how much I am learning here. There is nothing really new to the form, other than a few minor adjustments, at least to Balakrama. We start Moving Form tomorrow and I'll bet we have the latest version of that one too, since Zhander taught it last October. But the talking part of it, well, that's another thing entirely. The physical part of the practice is just where to put the body, but the real practice is happening on levels much deeper than that. The things he talks about resonate and start to show up, things I start to notice, that start to come alive. There is so much to learn, it is overwhelming. But I remind myself to take it one step at a time. Notice things, then follow up with more learning, with whatever seems to be showing up at the time. One day it's learning more about the kanda, another marma points. Overall, the knowledge starts to build on itself, like bricks in a building. One at a time, brick by brick, it starts to form a structure and become something I can step into.

Something like that anyway! I'm very lonely, still, but also realizing that much of what I'm feeling is there all the time, under the surface. I know it's there, but there is so much to do and go to and people to talk to and new projects to dive into. So easy to overlook what is always there, tugging at my shirt sleeve. Not so now. It's walking around with me like my constant companion, and I turn to meet it and see what it wants to say to me. One thing I can say about being my age, anything that remains unresolved, unrequited, undone, comes to stare at you in the face. Literally! I hear the hoofbeats. I am not going to live forever, it's official now. That's what the face in the mirror is telling me. Time to let go of the rest of the bullshit and get really real. Do what I came here to do. Because I've known since I was old enough to know anything that I have something to do here, in this life, in this body. It's a good thing, in that way, because you definitely start to not care about any crap and have no time for it in yourself or anyone else. It can be a real time-saver for sure.

But a sad thing too, because I'm no longer 'young' and it is time to say goodbye to all the ways I can hide behind that thought of being young. I still know nothing, but now I know I know nothing. I mean, I really know it, all the way through, and from that place, I can truly begin to live whatever it is I'm here to live. And that expresses itself through me and has nothing to do with me 'doing' anything or figuring anything out! That's the true gift of age, I think. Never having to figure out another damn thing ever again! Because I have run my boat aground enough times trying to make the voyage happen this way or that or figure out how to get here or there. So now, I give it up and go with the flow of the river, wind full in my sails. Ha.

Okay, enough of the boat metaphor. I know nothing about sailing either!

I'll report on more when there is more. Zhander says so many things that it's hard to pin one down. But it returns at different times when needed. And when he's talking I'm in 'being present' mode and not 'recording' mode. And what he says is really what is appropriate at the moment, in that group, at that time. But even so, I'll try to do better and have more things to say about what he says...

More photos from last week:

Sunday: Getting out a bit...

2008-04-28T02:24:00.000-07:00

Today my friend, Karin, took me around outside Vienna a bit. Quite a welcome change! I have mixed feelings about Vienna. She confirmed many of my initial energetic impressions about Vienna. She talked about Vienna as having a very strong dark energy, which is what I was feeling last week so strongly. She called it a 'black hole' and talked about how she has tried to leave several times because of it. But it can be a powerful place to work through one's own 'black holes,' and for that, it is quite evocative!

The technology here tends to suck a bit. Wi-fi is off and on, even when you have to pay for it. Things like that. It's hard to find my kinds of foods, impossible really. I'm having to resort to rice cakes and eggs, which are getting very old (taste-wise). I brought a bunch of Lara bars and some freeze-dried soups and noodles. Today I splurged and had breakfast out and it was full of butter and not very good. So much for Viennese cuisine. My friend, Karin, took me to a place for lunch and we had some interesting dishes, however. Salmon and a mushroom thing made with pumpkin seed oil! Interesting. But I think we have much better pastries, at least in what I've found so far.

Okay, enough, here are some photos of our outing:

My friend, Karin, a very lovely lady:

A view of Vienna from the hills:

A part of the restaurant, what used to be a small villa:

Then we went to an offshoot of the Danube River and sat in a lovely little restaurant by a marina full of sailboats:

A view of the hills we had visited from the marina:

Here is the Viennese UN. Very impressive:

One thing I LOVE about Vienna is all the small cars! Just my size (though my Yaris is much cuter):

So there you have it! A pleasant and beautiful day spent exploring a bit. This week I plan to check out some local gardens and other spots around town. More photos to come....

The Fifth day, no rest yet

2008-04-25T02:02:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's 1:06 AM PST. Most of you are fast asleep as I write this. I took these to show you what I meant when I said that the streets feel like fortresses. Look at that solid wall of large buildings! That's the norm around here, pretty much wherever you go. Don't know about other parts of Vienna.

Okay, so anyone who has ever complained about doing a few extra Virasthanas needs to do this! Try 16+ count Vahni (doesn't sound like much, try it, with nice SLOW breaths), 5 Virasthana, 5 of that thing that comes after (yes I need to learn the name), 9 freaking Chakris each side (the worst for me, like I said, try it, SLOW!), Snake? Don't tell me about Sarpa (Snake). We did at least a dozen holding each stage, moving oh so slowly, yes. It actually felt good at the time! Lots of repeats and doing things again, honing it down. Starting to integrate some of what he talked about, like when you move, it is the opposite side that moves you. If you want to move up, you have to use what is down to move you up. If you want to move left, use your right. It is the opposite side that moves you. We got to work on learning that in Sarpa (why we did so many of them).

The only really 'new' thing, though, is a slight adjustment in the way that sequence I cannot name after Virasthana is performed. Better shown than described.

I slept 7 hours straight, so no worries there. The Shadow of the Torturer is a brilliantly weird book, btw. Feel more present, though a bit lonely. I miss sitting after class and having lots of friends to talk to. And today is the after-class "Women's Get-together at Grand Central" day. I am imagining eating a bacon-egg bolo instead of the boiled egg and rice cake I just had in my room.

Met some nice ladies from London. Met Daphne, who guided me, I hope, to some free wi-fi (I've either been sitting outside for free or at Starbucks at great expense). Hopefully now I'll be able to tackle some of that Shala work I'm supposed to be doing!

That's it for today. No tomes. It's all good. My legs are very tired. Have to do it all again this afternoon. Emma runs us through stuff tomorrow, another afternoon practice, then a day of rest. I'll be visiting with a Viennese friend on Sunday, and I'll be taking more pictures that day. Something different than big buildings.

Here are a couple more shots from yesterday's jaunt into the hugeness of Vienna. I rather like the fellow on the horse:

Vienna!

2008-04-24T08:28:00.000-07:00

Well, make no mistake, the buildings in Vienna are BIG. And just when you think you've seen the biggest, you stumble on one that's even BIGGER. As I did this morning, taking a jaunt around the museum district on this lovely, sunny day (about 65 degrees, yes I'm rubbing it in!).

And they get BIGGER still!!!

There was no way to capture the one below. It took three photos and still I couldn't get it all. This mother is HUGE. Goes all around the square and entrance as one huge monolith!!

I mean, these folks really knew how to build on a massive scale. It's really easy to see why it was so appealing to folks like the Nazis. I mean, these things are a real testament to the highly expanded human ego! In both its highest and lowest forms! Vienna was occupied by the Nazis, but before that it had long been the seat of great happenings. As a history of Vienna states it, "Vienna has hosted the Habsburg court for several centuries, first as the imperial see of the Holy Roman Empire, then the capital of the Austrian Empire and later of the Austro-Hungarian" Now that's pretty heady stuff!

But it is also the home of some of our greatest and most expanded composers, like Mozart, who changed everything with his music! And philosophers who also changed the face of philosophy forever. And the Vienna Philharmonic. And Goethe. And so many more.

You can see why walking around places like this.

I leave it feeling expanded, changed, opened up. Feeling like I could do anything. Write great music, think the most elevated thoughts ever thought, play God. Yes, I understand Vienna better now, and it's impressive contribution to human history!

So I think I'll go see if I can find Mozart's grave and say 'hi.' And thanks.

(see below for Shadow report)

Shadow practice today (Wednesday)

2008-04-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

Well, practice was very cool today. Nothing really new yet. An additional shoulder raise on each side after the rolls. A few little transition changes. Otherwise, the same old Balakrama we all know and love (I can feel Kate shudder). He said Bala is the most difficult prelude physically, and if you can do Bala the rest will come. Yeah, right. Tell that to the Circling Form! Anyway, we did 16 counts of Vahni, 8 Virasthanas, 9+Chakris, like that. My quads definitely felt it, but it also came easier after all that Balakrama the injury forced on me. See how things work out??

Some interesting Zhander info came out of my question to him this AM. Yesterday, I missed class because I felt pretty awful after a night of struggling with sleep (like that's going to work!). But later in the day, something started to shift. Things that Zhander had told me in Nov., things Matt has said, things Andy pointed in the Vedic reading he gave me, all started to percolate after two days of Zhander talking. Those two nights before, in the midst of all the tossing and turning, I had insights bubbling up one after the other. Now I found myself to putting them into practice. Nothing I can really describe yet, but it's about a different way of being in the world. It's new and just barely open, but it's there and I feel it. I realized last night, during another round not sleeping, that I'd found the 'key.' Didn't take very long. It translated to my being awake in a different way. I was up again for three hours in the middle of the night, but I didn't struggle with it or fight it or hate it, as I had before. I just lay with it, watched what happened, what came up, where I felt things physically, energetically. Noticed some pretty interesting things! Had visual experiences. Just went with it all. Gently and with intention.

So in class I asked Zhander about the not sleeping and his answer is one I could not have heard yesterday morning, before the 'shift.' He talked about the 'time of life' that I am in right now. About what happens to a woman at this time, when the creative force goes inward after flowing outward for so long. He said it is an advantage women have, and if the woman is observant and sharp and works with it, it can lead her back to the source, back home. He talked about kundalini and tantric images, an image in particular I can use to work with this energy.

And then he talked about the term 'yoga,' how we get it wrong when we talk about 'yoking' or 'union.' First off, he said only slaves or oxen are yoked. Then about how there is no union because we are never separate in the first place. The creative energies arise directly out of the Source and we are always connected with it. We only start to think we are separate when the Ahamkara arises, the ego. But in reality, there is no separation. This was all part of what he was saying to me about this time, when this knowledge can really come to fruition and be lived in a whole new way. That is how I took it, anyway.

Okay, so here was my egoic reaction, which was relatively small. I look in the mirror and I'm seeing my freakin' grandmother, for crying out loud. Who IS that woman with a face that is supposed to be mine! So now I'm thinking, 'shit, I really DO look old. I mean Zhander is talking to me about freakin' MENOPAUSE and that is something only old ladies get.' Hahaha. So funny. I'm cracking myself up. But it's true!

But another part of me, by far the bigger reaction, felt everything inside relax and I smiled and nodded my head and said (to myself) 'yes, this is truth.' It confirmed so much and affirmed so much. I see a path clearly, of living the truth I've always known but never knew how to live. Perhaps to finally know how to live in this body, and how so much light can fit into what seems to be a dense, binding, gross container filled with excrement and hate and suffering and pain that has, for so long, felt like a prison.

They say the right teacher appears when you need him/her. I definitely believe that. And I get to return to Portland to further my journey with Matt and Andy and my wonderful Shala community that I love so much!

Okay, enough of me talking for today! I promise more prelude stuff when it appears. We may really know the 'revised' preludes already, since he was here so recently. But I'll bring back whatever new stuff there is...

Bad night, better day

2008-04-23T08:40:00.000-07:00

Well, you know I'm bored when I'm taking pictures of myself in my room. Look at that short hair! Maybe too short this time. In fact, I'm thinking of growing it out!

Yeah, it's a slow day, but purposely so. I had a terrible night last night. I've not been able to sleep more than three or so hours a night since I've been here. Very unusual. I've traveled to Africa, France, all over the states, changed major time zones, and always adapted quite quickly. There are a number of factors at work. No time to acclimate at all, really, before starting the intensive. A very intense first two days of Zhander talking--I wake up in the middle of the night, my mind racing with thoughts and insights from what he said. It's like a revelation to me in some ways, learning a language that can describe the things I experience in my practice but often can't put into words or perspective. This is, of course, why I'm here, studying with this man. But it was too much too fast for me to process, and it has gone deep. Couple that with a radical change in what I eat (I'm having a very hard time finding the right foods for me here) and the intense reactions I'm having to just being in Vienna, and I think my poor, sensitive system is just going nuts!

Vienna is for me proving to be very intense energetically. I am very definitely picking up major energetic vibrations from this place--some of them dark, harsh, the buildings look and feel like fortresses to me, no where to move, things get stuck and hide in the hardness of the place. I walked down one street today and a wave of visual and emotional input hit me. I described it to Matt like having double vision. I was on the street in the present and at the same time I was seeing and feeling the past, when Vienna was occupied by the Nazis during the Holocaust. People walked by me and I was 'there' in that past. I've had that sense many times since being here. I first thought it was from seeing too many movies and too much study about the Holocaust during my dissertation studies. Now I'm thinking it's not that at all. I've always been highly sensitive to 'shadows' (not referring to Shadow Yoga, but you can see why it caught my eye at first!). I used to see them in people as a kid. Wrote about evil to get my Ph.D. Like that. Well, there's definitely an undercurrent of unresolved energy here in this place and it is hitting me hard. It's just energy and I'm picking it up like a radio signal. I need to find ways to turn the dial. There is a lot of other intense energy--Vienna is the home of many great thinkers, musicians, composers, poets. Many of the philosophers I studied in college were centered here. So there is that too. And there is newer energy here, lighter, cleaner, as well.

Anyway, the sum of all this is that I missed class this AM, much to my dismay. I went to sleep around 8pm, was woken by a loud noise around 11pm and that was it until 3 in the morning! I tossed, turned, tried just about everything to shut my mind up, but for naught. I fell into a fitful sleep at around 3 then woke at 5:3oam for class and there was just no way I was going to make it. I slept another 4 hours, deeply, which was great. Spent a quiet day avoiding books, videos, music, anything that might stimulate my senses, went hunting for acceptable foods, thought about how to help keep myself centered, did a good practice in the afternoon, did a bit of emailing. And now....not much of anything until 6pm when I go iChat with my husband (internet chat with video--the future is here, people!!!).

So, very sorry, but I have no gems from today's class since I wasn't there. I'll be there the rest of the week if I have to crawl in. I'm hoping that this day of regrouping will settle things down and allow me to attend without risking my health.

That's all for today. Thanks for listening. Tune in tomorrow for more on Zhander and better pictures than these!!!

Me at Starbucks. Okay, so I'm playing with my computer camera, what of it....

Second Day

2008-04-22T07:52:00.001-07:00

Here are two places I use my computer, this one free

And this one not free, but it has great tea. The same exact Tazo China Green Tip tea I have at Starbucks at the corner of NE 15th and Fremont!! So funny.

So, the happenings here in Vienna: after a fitful night's sleep, I sat through another two hours of Zhander talking and managed to stay awake. It was actually quite riveting and I experienced many 'aha' moments during both days. It was interesting, because he explained at the end of today that he was "testing" us. Apparently last year some folks, folks he trusted, took the prelude work and started teaching Shadow without his sanction. He said he doesn't want his work to become like all the other yoga around--purely a fitness program and empty of any real substance. So he wants to weed out the people who aren't serious about the yoga and also to show how deep yoga really goes and how much there is to know before you can say you know anything! His talking was definitely effective for that! I came in feeling I knew little and now feel I know even less! But that is, of course, why I am here. To learn what this man can teach me. Tomorrow we are going to do...I'm not sure. He is going to start us off slowly. I'm not sure I'll be bringing back any huge 'revisions' regarding the preludes. I think his real purpose is to get people to revise their way of thinking about yoga. I, personally, love it and am drinking it in like water to a sponge. A dry one at that.

Another aspect of this trip that has been so good for me, so far, is the solitude. I had an inkling of how badly I needed it while in Portland. The close-to-monastic life that I'd led for so long has come to an abrupt end, which is what I thought I wanted. I've led such an internal life that I felt it was 'time' for me to turn outward and take on the work I came here to do, which is work in the world, not just on myself! So the switch was necessary. But also overwhelming and I have felt lost, to a point, in all the swirling of it. Already I feel more grounded and centered, even while physically feeling very disoriented and out-of-sync. I slept badly, waking up in the middle of the night with my mind racing, seemingly unstoppably. After about 45 minutes of tossing around, I did a weird kind of paschimottanasana in bed, lying on my side, my feet against the wall in front of me as I went forward as far as I could. My lower back has been so bound up, my shoulders, my hips. I could feel a bit of release. Much of my angst as of late, and while here, is because I feel so much rigidity and tightness still in my body, knowing that it is rooted in my mind. And I have not really seen the way through it yet. The Vedic astrology reading Andy gave me has helped greatly in clarifying where I am bound and why and how to get unbound. And somehow that clicked last night when I was in this weird laying-on-my-side forward bend and I heard 'the key is within you.' I realized that I'd been, unconsciously, looking outward for some answer to how to move through all this stuckness I feel in my body, which is stuckness in my mind. At that moment, I felt a shift. The energies that will loosen those bonds are already within me, I carry them all with me. It is up to me to find the 'key' that will find its way through, and that key lives within me as well. It's all right here, right now. At that moment, I felt everything relax, I came out of my forward bend and went to sleep! The shift stayed with me, and there is more to come, I'm sure. So yes, I feel very appreciative of being here and having all this solitude.

So here are some more photos--your reward for reading through all of my musings! These buildings are amazing! My next round of shots will, hopefully, be of my visiting some of these places. I think Mozart's and Goethe's graves are closeby. It's amazing to think they and so many others walked these streets. Many of the philosophers I studied ended up here in Vienna. Such an incredible history, so many conflicting and deep energies here. I feel the presence of the Holocaust here, which I studied so closely during my dissertation work, but I also feel the German Renaissance, which was so hugely influential, and which produced some of our most beautiful and profound Western music, art, philosophy, poetry. The people here are quite friendly for the most part, and most speak some English, which is a great relief since I speak so little German. That would only change if I visited Germany and/or Austria often, since there are other languages I would rather study.

Oops, where are those pictures! The first one is the street behind the hotel I'm staying at. And the other two are next to the Museum Quarter and part of the museum district. Here they are:

That's it for today! Auf Wiedersehen, I think (don't have my German book with me!)....

In Vienna!

2008-04-21T05:56:00.001-07:00

I arrived at about 4pm Vienna time, Sunday, April 20, and here was my first reaction to being here, from excerpts to John, now so far away:

I feel like I'm on the other side of the world! Oh, I am on the other side of the world. And I feel it.

My room is very bright and sunny. Very sparse, but it will suffice. Everyone speaks German. Why can't everyone just speak English for crying out loud! I don't know what the hell I'm doing here, but I'm here! The flight was the longest flight of my life. I slept about 20 minutes on the plane (but saw two good movies they showed). Then a couple of hours off and on in the Frankfurt airport.

The Frankfurt airport!! Oh my God. Definitely not your mother's airport. Unless she is German, of course. And from Frankfurt. It was a pretty interesting experience for sure. At first we were herded (literally, there were a lot of us!) into a huge blob in front of "passport control" and a bigger blob to get through security. Took about an hour and everything was pretty civilized. No riots or anything. Just lots and lots of people, of all different shapes, sizes, colors, flavors. Quite lovely to see the variety of the human species for a change. Not like homogenous Portland, Oregon.

I'm eating a freeze-dried rice and bean soup thing--add water and viola! Soup! Tastes like crap. But it's food. I'll need to get better than this, though. I miss my almond butter. And they took away my organic beef boullion I brought for the nighttime when my blood sugar gets low. Very sad. My little water heater/kettle I brought with me works incredibly well. At least I'll

have hot tea readily available.

I took some pictures of the room and plan to post them on the blog. In a bit I'm going to see if I can find wi-fi. Of course there is nothing here in this room. I'm lucky the electricity works!

Pictures of my room:

Okay, it's a bit messy, but hey, I haven't had a chance to get organized yet!

More angles of my room (maybe not so riveting, but it's where I'll be spending the next three weeks, so it's darned interesting to me!

Here's the view from out my window:

I have more pictures to post tomorrow of the area. The architecture is beautiful and today the weather lovely. No jackets, a light breeze, perfect!

Our first day of the intensive was two hours of Zhander talking about some very interesting foundational information about the practice and why he chose to call it Shadow Yoga. Also a reflection on what he means by 'revised preludes'--that it's more about revising our way of practicing and focusing on what yoga can teach us about ourselves and the 'geography' of our physical and engergetic makup. And then how to work with that information. Anyway, it was good! And long. But good!

It's very strange being here, not being able to be in contact with anyone except by email. I have an iChat (a program like Skype) set up with John every day at 6pm my time (9am Portland time). Can't use the cell, way too expensive! I am surprised by how dependent I've gotten on my cell and feeling always connected.

I am very much looking forward to having time for myself. So many new things coming into my life. My own projects, working with the Shala on marketing and the like. I'm not sure any more of where this is all taking me. And what is best for me to be doing. Zhander talked today about knowing your purpose and living life from that place. Words I've heard most of my life in one form or another. And there are times I know so very clearly what that purpose is. But things have gotten foggy. I'm comfortable with not knowing where I'm going, but not so much with not knowing who I am along the way. So, while I'm very sad to be away from my husband and my dogs and my Shala family, this time is very welcome. I've lost touch with my work, my true center, and I need to find it again. And the practice is the key for me. That and a lot of time for going inward. I love solitude! Being 'out' there in the world so much of late is not something I'm used to! I've lived a monk's life, in many ways, so I suppose that is what is next for me--learning how to live clearly from knowing who I am while being out there in this crazy, beautiful world of ours!

Off I go for some tea and reading the Taittiriya Upanishad (I feel a collective groan from my class mates!). No, I couldn't bring them all, so I picked this one as the most appropriate to the work I'm doing here. I couldn't bring many books--too much weight for the luggage! But I have plenty to read, including a very cool new trilogy Matt turned me onto. The first book's name, The Shadow of the Torturer. Okay, so that sounds really interesting to me already. Severian is one interesting guy. All written in the first person, which I love. Flays people for a living. Uh, huh. Interesting!

More to follow when I have more to say. I'll share more about the practice too as it develops and whatever new stuff that comes of it. All my love...

Vienna bound

2008-04-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I'll be leaving for Vienna soon. I'll be gone from April 19 through May 10! For those who don't already know, I'm off to a three-week yoga intensive with my teacher's teacher, Zhander Remete (click here to see more about Zhander and Shadow Yoga). While I'm doing a lot of other things this week, mostly I'm getting ready for my trip. It's very exciting, of course. People have been extremely supportive of my going. Lita, a lovely teacher at the Shala, sat with me for over an hour with a map, showing me places to go. It was so visual that I felt I had been there! People are sharing places to eat, to sit and drink tea, museums. I've been busy thinking through how I'm going to eat, how to make my electronics all work. Very fun. I will have a LOT of free time and I'll find some free wi-fi to do emailing and blogging each day. I have many books to read, things to watch on my computer and iPod. I'll be well prepared. I even bought a pair of galoshes, remember those? for my shoes! It will likely be cool and a bit rainy while I'm there.

I'll be posting things while there to keep everyone apprised of all the exciting happenings (exciting for me, at least!). This is my first trip to Austria, and I'll be pretty much on my own. I'm looking forward to all the alone time, actually. I'll miss my husband and dogs terribly, of course. And I'll miss the entire Yoga Shala community!

My first film!

2008-03-19T11:15:00.001-07:00

Here is a little short I created to help promote my new project, The Indifference Project:

The music is Kermit Ruffins, a staple on the New Orleans jazz scene, and the photos are mostly pictures taken by myself and friends. You can check out more on The Indifference Project at my site.

My First Post

2007-05-15T15:04:00.001-07:00

As my very first post, I'd like to try embedding a video from YouTube. It is a huge speech he gave on March 18, 2008. Here's the description: "Barack Obama speaks in Philadelphia, PA at Constitution Center, on matters not just of race and recent remarks but of the fundamental path by which America can work together to pursue a better future.