The Moving Form is moving along nicely. Nothing new so far. Didn't expect there to be. Uttanasana was good today. Got my forehead to my knees. That is progress. Zhander has been really open and real with us. Very giving. He taught in Hungary last weekend. People were so poor he took no money. They brought eggs and chickens.

I continue to swim, as Andy put it. Swimming, yes, swimming with all my might. I want to squeeze every penny out of this trip! We sacrificed much for me to come here. So keeping myself right on point, in the middle of the practice and all that is being evoked here. Contemplating where my life wants to take me. How I'm going to bring my work forward. Who the hell am I, anyway, and what the hell IS my work? Lots of time to reflect and feel and swim in it all. Oh yes, swimming away.

Vienna is boring me now. I'm sick of the food. Portland has MUCH better food. The pastries at Grand Central beat anything here all to shit. Though Andy says butter is good for me and there is a lot of good butter here. There are nice spots, but how many big buildings can you see? I would much rather have stayed in the old part of Vienna in what used to be the wineyards. Very old European. No big buildings, but a charming old European village. Reminded me very much of southern France, which I love. Much more character. Less ego imposition. More humble, sweet, relaxed.

But for today, more big buildings, though I did venture out to a local garden area and took some shots there. A view from a balcony of some lovely Austrian horses and other sites...I'm sure I'll something more interesting to say tomorrow...

Shadow practice, Second Monday

See the post below for photos of my outing outside and around Vienna yesterday.  Today, I'll post some more photos at the end of this post.  

Not much to report pratice-wise, really.  It is so hard to share how much I am learning here.  There is nothing really new to the form, other than a few minor adjustments, at least to Balakrama.  We start Moving Form tomorrow and I'll bet we have the latest version of that one too, since Zhander taught it last October. But the talking part of it, well, that's another thing entirely.  The physical part of the practice is just where to put the body, but the real practice is happening on levels much deeper than that. The things he talks about resonate and start to show up, things I start to notice, that start to come alive.  There is so much to learn, it is overwhelming. But I remind myself to take it one step at a time. Notice things, then follow up with more learning, with whatever seems to be showing up at the time. One day it's learning more about the kanda, another marma points.  Overall, the knowledge starts to build on itself, like bricks in a building. One at a time, brick by brick, it starts to form a structure and become something I can step into.

Something like that anyway!  I'm very lonely, still, but also realizing that much of what I'm feeling is there all the time, under the surface. I know it's there, but there is so much to do and go to and people to talk to and new projects to dive into.  So easy to overlook what is always there, tugging at my shirt sleeve.  Not so now.  It's walking around with me like my constant companion, and I turn to meet it and see what it wants to say to me. One thing I can say about being my age, anything that remains unresolved, unrequited, undone, comes to stare at you in the face.  Literally!  I hear the hoofbeats.  I am not going to live forever, it's official now.  That's what the face in the mirror is telling me.  Time to let go of the rest of the bullshit and get really real.  Do what I came here to do. Because I've known since I was old enough to know anything that I have something to do here, in this life, in this body. It's a good thing, in that way, because you definitely start to not care about any crap and have no time for it in yourself or anyone else. It can be a real time-saver for sure.

But a sad thing too, because I'm no longer 'young' and it is time to say goodbye to all the ways I can hide behind that thought of being young. I still know nothing, but now I know I know nothing. I mean, I really know it, all the way through, and from that place, I can truly begin to live whatever it is I'm here to live.  And that expresses itself through me and has nothing to do with me 'doing' anything or figuring anything out!  That's the true gift of age, I think.  Never having to figure out another damn thing ever again! Because I have run my boat aground enough times trying to make the voyage happen this way or that or figure out how to get here or there. So now, I give it up and go with the flow of the river, wind full in my sails.  Ha. 

Okay, enough of the boat metaphor.  I know nothing about sailing either!

I'll report on more when there is more.  Zhander says so many things that it's hard to pin one down.  But it returns at different times when needed. And when he's talking I'm in 'being present' mode and not 'recording' mode. And what he says is really what is appropriate at the moment, in that group, at that time.  But even so, I'll try to do better and have more things to say about what he says...

More photos from last week:

Sunday: Getting out a bit...

Today my friend, Karin, took me around outside Vienna a bit.  Quite a welcome change!  I have mixed feelings about Vienna.  She confirmed many of my initial energetic impressions about Vienna.  She talked about Vienna as having a very strong dark energy, which is what I was feeling last week so strongly.  She called it a 'black hole' and talked about how she has tried to leave several times because of it.  But it can be a powerful place to work through one's own 'black holes,' and for that, it is quite evocative!

The technology here tends to suck a bit.  Wi-fi is off and on, even when you have to pay for it.  Things like that.  It's hard to find my kinds of foods, impossible really.  I'm having to resort to rice cakes and eggs, which are getting very old (taste-wise).  I brought a bunch of Lara bars and some freeze-dried soups and noodles. Today I splurged and had breakfast out and it was full of butter and not very good.  So much for Viennese cuisine.  My friend, Karin, took me to a place for lunch and we had some interesting dishes, however.  Salmon and a mushroom thing made with pumpkin seed oil!  Interesting.  But I think we have much better pastries, at least in what I've found so far.

Okay, enough, here are some photos of our outing:

My friend, Karin, a very lovely lady:

A view of Vienna from the hills:

A part of the restaurant, what used to be a small villa:

Then we went to an offshoot of the Danube River and sat in a lovely little restaurant by a marina full of sailboats:

A view of the hills we had visited from the marina:

Here is the Viennese UN. Very impressive:

One thing I LOVE about Vienna is all the small cars! Just my size (though my Yaris is much cuter):

So there you have it!  A pleasant and beautiful day spent exploring a bit.  This week I plan to check out some local gardens and other spots around town.  More photos to come....

The Fifth day, no rest yet

Wow, it's 1:06 AM PST. Most of you are fast asleep as I write this. I took these to show you what I meant when I said that the streets feel like fortresses. Look at that solid wall of large buildings! That's the norm around here, pretty much wherever you go. Don't know about other parts of Vienna.

Okay, so anyone who has ever complained about doing a few extra Virasthanas needs to do this! Try 16+ count Vahni (doesn't sound like much, try it, with nice SLOW breaths), 5 Virasthana, 5 of that thing that comes after (yes I need to learn the name), 9 freaking Chakris each side (the worst for me, like I said, try it, SLOW!), Snake? Don't tell me about Sarpa (Snake). We did at least a dozen holding each stage, moving oh so slowly, yes. It actually felt good at the time! Lots of repeats and doing things again, honing it down. Starting to integrate some of what he talked about, like when you move, it is the opposite side that moves you. If you want to move up, you have to use what is down to move you up. If you want to move left, use your right. It is the opposite side that moves you. We got to work on learning that in Sarpa (why we did so many of them).

The only really 'new' thing, though, is a slight adjustment in the way that sequence I cannot name after Virasthana is performed. Better shown than described.

I slept 7 hours straight, so no worries there. The Shadow of the Torturer is a brilliantly weird book, btw. Feel more present, though a bit lonely. I miss sitting after class and having lots of friends to talk to. And today is the after-class "Women's Get-together at Grand Central" day. I am imagining eating a bacon-egg bolo instead of the boiled egg and rice cake I just had in my room.

Met some nice ladies from London. Met Daphne, who guided me, I hope, to some free wi-fi (I've either been sitting outside for free or at Starbucks at great expense). Hopefully now I'll be able to tackle some of that Shala work I'm supposed to be doing!

That's it for today. No tomes. It's all good. My legs are very tired. Have to do it all again this afternoon. Emma runs us through stuff tomorrow, another afternoon practice, then a day of rest. I'll be visiting with a Viennese friend on Sunday, and I'll be taking more pictures that day. Something different than big buildings.

Here are a couple more shots from yesterday's jaunt into the hugeness of Vienna. I rather like the fellow on the horse:

Vienna!

Well, make no mistake, the buildings in Vienna are BIG. And just when you think you've seen the biggest, you stumble on one that's even BIGGER. As I did this morning, taking a jaunt around the museum district on this lovely, sunny day (about 65 degrees, yes I'm rubbing it in!).

And they get BIGGER still!!!

There was no way to capture the one below.  It took three photos and still I couldn't get it all.  This mother is HUGE. Goes all around the square and entrance as one huge monolith!!

I mean, these folks really knew how to build on a massive scale. It's really easy to see why it was so appealing to folks like the Nazis. I mean, these things are a real testament to the highly expanded human ego! In both its highest and lowest forms! Vienna was occupied by the Nazis, but before that it had long been the seat of great happenings. As a history of Vienna states it, "Vienna has hosted the Habsburg court for several centuries, first as the imperial see of the Holy Roman Empire, then the capital of the Austrian Empire and later of the Austro-Hungarian" Now that's pretty heady stuff! 

But it is also the home of some of our greatest and most expanded composers, like Mozart, who changed everything with his music! And philosophers who also changed the face of philosophy forever. And the Vienna Philharmonic. And Goethe. And so many more.

You can see why walking around places like this.

I leave it feeling expanded, changed, opened up. Feeling like I could do anything. Write great music, think the most elevated thoughts ever thought, play God. Yes, I understand Vienna better now, and it's impressive contribution to human history!

So I think I'll go see if I can find Mozart's grave and say 'hi.' And thanks.  

(see below for Shadow report)

Shadow practice today (Wednesday)

Well, practice was very cool today. Nothing really new yet. An additional shoulder raise on each side after the rolls. A few little transition changes. Otherwise, the same old Balakrama we all know and love (I can feel Kate shudder). He said Bala is the most difficult prelude physically, and if you can do Bala the rest will come. Yeah, right. Tell that to the Circling Form! Anyway, we did 16 counts of Vahni, 8 Virasthanas, 9+Chakris, like that. My quads definitely felt it, but it also came easier after all that Balakrama the injury forced on me. See how things work out??

Some interesting Zhander info came out of my question to him this AM. Yesterday, I missed class because I felt pretty awful after a night of struggling with sleep (like that's going to work!). But later in the day, something started to shift. Things that Zhander had told me in Nov., things Matt has said, things Andy pointed in the Vedic reading he gave me, all started to percolate after two days of Zhander talking. Those two nights before, in the midst of all the tossing and turning, I had insights bubbling up one after the other. Now I found myself to putting them into practice. Nothing I can really describe yet, but it's about a different way of being in the world. It's new and just barely open, but it's there and I feel it. I realized last night, during another round not sleeping, that I'd found the 'key.' Didn't take very long. It translated to my being awake in a different way. I was up again for three hours in the middle of the night, but I didn't struggle with it or fight it or hate it, as I had before. I just lay with it, watched what happened, what came up, where I felt things physically, energetically. Noticed some pretty interesting things! Had visual experiences. Just went with it all. Gently and with intention.

So in class I asked Zhander about the not sleeping and his answer is one I could not have heard yesterday morning, before the 'shift.' He talked about the 'time of life' that I am in right now. About what happens to a woman at this time, when the creative force goes inward after flowing outward for so long. He said it is an advantage women have, and if the woman is observant and sharp and works with it, it can lead her back to the source, back home. He talked about kundalini and tantric images, an image in particular I can use to work with this energy. 

And then he talked about the term 'yoga,' how we get it wrong when we talk about 'yoking' or 'union.' First off, he said only slaves or oxen are yoked. Then about how there is no union because we are never separate in the first place. The creative energies arise directly out of the Source and we are always connected with it. We only start to think we are separate when the Ahamkara arises, the ego. But in reality, there is no separation. This was all part of what he was saying to me about this time, when this knowledge can really come to fruition and be lived in a whole new way. That is how I took it, anyway.

Okay, so here was my egoic reaction, which was relatively small. I look in the mirror and I'm seeing my freakin' grandmother, for crying out loud. Who IS that woman with a face that is supposed to be mine! So now I'm thinking, 'shit, I really DO look old. I mean Zhander is talking to me about freakin' MENOPAUSE and that is something only old ladies get.' Hahaha. So funny. I'm cracking myself up. But it's true!

But another part of me, by far the bigger reaction, felt everything inside relax and I smiled and nodded my head and said (to myself) 'yes, this is truth.' It confirmed so much and affirmed so much. I see a path clearly, of living the truth I've always known but never knew how to live. Perhaps to finally know how to live in this body, and how so much light can fit into what seems to be a dense, binding, gross container filled with excrement and hate and suffering and pain that has, for so long, felt like a prison.

They say the right teacher appears when you need him/her. I definitely believe that. And I get to return to Portland to further my journey with Matt and Andy and my wonderful Shala community that I love so much!

Okay, enough of me talking for today! I promise more prelude stuff when it appears. We may really know the 'revised' preludes already, since he was here so recently. But I'll bring back whatever new stuff there is...

Bad night, better day

Well, you know I'm bored when I'm taking pictures of myself in my room. Look at that short hair! Maybe too short this time. In fact, I'm thinking of growing it out!

Yeah, it's a slow day, but purposely so. I had a terrible night last night. I've not been able to sleep more than three or so hours a night since I've been here. Very unusual. I've traveled to Africa, France, all over the states, changed major time zones, and always adapted quite quickly. There are a number of factors at work. No time to acclimate at all, really, before starting the intensive. A very intense first two days of Zhander talking--I wake up in the middle of the night, my mind racing with thoughts and insights from what he said. It's like a revelation to me in some ways, learning a language that can describe the things I experience in my practice but often can't put into words or perspective. This is, of course, why I'm here, studying with this man. But it was too much too fast for me to process, and it has gone deep. Couple that with a radical change in what I eat (I'm having a very hard time finding the right foods for me here) and the intense reactions I'm having to just being in Vienna, and I think my poor, sensitive system is just going nuts! 

Vienna is for me proving to be very intense energetically. I am very definitely picking up major energetic vibrations from this place--some of them dark, harsh, the buildings look and feel like fortresses to me, no where to move, things get stuck and hide in the hardness of the place. I walked down one street today and a wave of visual and emotional input hit me. I described it to Matt like having double vision. I was on the street in the present and at the same time I was seeing and feeling the past, when Vienna was occupied by the Nazis during the Holocaust. People walked by me and I was 'there' in that past. I've had that sense many times since being here. I first thought it was from seeing too many movies and too much study about the Holocaust during my dissertation studies. Now I'm thinking it's not that at all. I've always been highly sensitive to 'shadows' (not referring to Shadow Yoga, but you can see why it caught my eye at first!). I used to see them in people as a kid. Wrote about evil to get my Ph.D. Like that. Well, there's definitely an undercurrent of unresolved energy here in this place and it is hitting me hard. It's just energy and I'm picking it up like a radio signal. I need to find ways to turn the dial. There is a lot of other intense energy--Vienna is the home of many great thinkers, musicians, composers, poets. Many of the philosophers I studied in college were centered here. So there is that too. And there is newer energy here, lighter, cleaner, as well. 

Anyway, the sum of all this is that I missed class this AM, much to my dismay. I went to sleep around 8pm, was woken by a loud noise around 11pm and that was it until 3 in the morning! I tossed, turned, tried just about everything to shut my mind up, but for naught. I fell into a fitful sleep at around 3 then woke at 5:3oam for class and there was just no way I was going to make it. I slept another 4 hours, deeply, which was great. Spent a quiet day avoiding books, videos, music, anything that might stimulate my senses, went hunting for acceptable foods, thought about how to help keep myself centered, did a good practice in the afternoon, did a bit of emailing. And now....not much of anything until 6pm when I go iChat with my husband (internet chat with video--the future is here, people!!!). 

So, very sorry, but I have no gems from today's class since I wasn't there. I'll be there the rest of the week if I have to crawl in. I'm hoping that this day of regrouping will settle things down and allow me to attend without risking my health. 

That's all for today. Thanks for listening. Tune in tomorrow for more on Zhander and better pictures than these!!!

Me at Starbucks. Okay, so I'm playing with my computer camera, what of it....

Second Day

Here are two places I use my computer, this one free

And this one not free, but it has great tea. The same exact Tazo China Green Tip tea I have at Starbucks at the corner of NE 15th and Fremont!! So funny.

So, the happenings here in Vienna: after a fitful night's sleep, I sat through another two hours of Zhander talking and managed to stay awake. It was actually quite riveting and I experienced many 'aha' moments during both days. It was interesting, because he explained at the end of today that he was "testing" us. Apparently last year some folks, folks he trusted, took the prelude work and started teaching Shadow without his sanction. He said he doesn't want his work to become like all the other yoga around--purely a fitness program and empty of any real substance. So he wants to weed out the people who aren't serious about the yoga and also to show how deep yoga really goes and how much there is to know before you can say you know anything! His talking was definitely effective for that! I came in feeling I knew little and now feel I know even less! But that is, of course, why I am here. To learn what this man can teach me. Tomorrow we are going to do...I'm not sure. He is going to start us off slowly. I'm not sure I'll be bringing back any huge 'revisions' regarding the preludes. I think his real purpose is to get people to revise their way of thinking about yoga. I, personally, love it and am drinking it in like water to a sponge. A dry one at that.

Another aspect of this trip that has been so good for me, so far, is the solitude. I had an inkling of how badly I needed it while in Portland. The close-to-monastic life that I'd led for so long has come to an abrupt end, which is what I thought I wanted. I've led such an internal life that I felt it was 'time' for me to turn outward and take on the work I came here to do, which is work in the world, not just on myself! So the switch was necessary. But also overwhelming and I have felt lost, to a point, in all the swirling of it. Already I feel more grounded and centered, even while physically feeling very disoriented and out-of-sync. I slept badly, waking up in the middle of the night with my mind racing, seemingly unstoppably. After about 45 minutes of tossing around, I did a weird kind of paschimottanasana in bed, lying on my side, my feet against the wall in front of me as I went forward as far as I could. My lower back has been so bound up, my shoulders, my hips. I could feel a bit of release. Much of my angst as of late, and while here, is because I feel so much rigidity and tightness still in my body, knowing that it is rooted in my mind. And I have not really seen the way through it yet. The Vedic astrology reading Andy gave me has helped greatly in clarifying where I am bound and why and how to get unbound. And somehow that clicked last night when I was in this weird laying-on-my-side forward bend and I heard 'the key is within you.' I realized that I'd been, unconsciously, looking outward for some answer to how to move through all this stuckness I feel in my body, which is stuckness in my mind. At that moment, I felt a shift. The energies that will loosen those bonds are already within me, I carry them all with me. It is up to me to find the 'key' that will find its way through, and that key lives within me as well. It's all right here, right now. At that moment, I felt everything relax, I came out of my forward bend and went to sleep! The shift stayed with me, and there is more to come, I'm sure. So yes, I feel very appreciative of being here and having all this solitude. 

So here are some more photos--your reward for reading through all of my musings! These buildings are amazing! My next round of shots will, hopefully, be of my visiting some of these places. I think Mozart's and Goethe's graves are closeby. It's amazing to think they and so many others walked these streets. Many of the philosophers I studied ended up here in Vienna. Such an incredible history, so many conflicting and deep energies here. I feel the presence of the Holocaust here, which I studied so closely during my dissertation work, but I also feel the German Renaissance, which was so hugely influential, and which produced some of our most beautiful and profound Western music, art, philosophy, poetry. The people here are quite friendly for the most part, and most speak some English, which is a great relief since I speak so little German. That would only change if I visited Germany and/or Austria often, since there are other languages I would rather study.

Oops, where are those pictures! The first one is the street behind the hotel I'm staying at. And the other two are next to the Museum Quarter and part of the museum district. Here they are:

That's it for today!  Auf Wiedersehen, I think (don't have my German book with me!)....

In Vienna!

I arrived at about 4pm Vienna time, Sunday, April 20, and here was my first reaction to being here, from excerpts to John, now so far away:

I feel like I'm on the other side of the world! Oh, I am on the other side of the world. And I feel it.

My room is very bright and sunny. Very sparse, but it will suffice. Everyone speaks German. Why can't everyone just speak English for crying out loud!  I don't know what the hell I'm doing here, but I'm here! The flight was the longest flight of my life. I slept about 20 minutes on the plane (but saw two good movies they showed). Then a couple of hours off and on in the Frankfurt airport.

The Frankfurt airport!! Oh my God. Definitely not your mother's airport. Unless she is German, of course. And from Frankfurt. It was a pretty interesting experience for sure. At first we were herded (literally, there were a lot of us!) into a huge blob in front of "passport control" and a bigger blob to get through security. Took about an hour and everything was pretty civilized. No riots or anything. Just lots and lots of people, of all different shapes, sizes, colors, flavors. Quite lovely to see the variety of the human species for a change. Not like homogenous Portland, Oregon.

I'm eating a freeze-dried rice and bean soup thing--add water and viola! Soup! Tastes like crap. But it's food. I'll need to get better than this, though. I miss my almond butter. And they took away my organic beef boullion I brought for the nighttime when my blood sugar gets low. Very sad. My little water heater/kettle I brought with me works incredibly well. At least I'll

 have hot tea readily available.

I took some pictures of the room and plan to post them on the blog. In a bit I'm going to see if I can find wi-fi. Of course there is nothing here in this room. I'm lucky the electricity works!  

Pictures of my room:

Okay, it's a bit messy, but hey, I haven't had a chance to get organized yet!

More angles of my room (maybe not so riveting, but it's where I'll be spending the next three weeks, so it's darned interesting to me!

Here's the view from out my window:

I have more pictures to post tomorrow of the area.  The architecture is beautiful and today the weather lovely.  No jackets, a light breeze, perfect!

Our first day of the intensive was two hours of Zhander talking about some very interesting foundational information about the practice and why he chose to call it Shadow Yoga.  Also a reflection on what he means by 'revised preludes'--that it's more about revising our way of practicing and focusing on what yoga can teach us about ourselves and the 'geography' of our physical and engergetic makup.  And then how to work with that information. Anyway, it was good!  And long.  But good! 

It's very strange being here, not being able to be in contact with anyone except by email.  I have an iChat (a program like Skype) set up with John every day at 6pm my time (9am Portland time).  Can't use the cell, way too expensive!  I am surprised by how dependent I've gotten on my cell and feeling always connected.  

I am very much looking forward to having time for myself.  So many new things coming into my life.  My own projects, working with the Shala on marketing and the like.  I'm not sure any more of where this is all taking me.  And what is best for me to be doing.  Zhander talked today about knowing your purpose and living life from that place.  Words I've heard most of my life in one form or another.  And there are times I know so very clearly what that purpose is.  But things have gotten foggy.  I'm comfortable with not knowing where I'm going, but not so much with not knowing who I am along the way.  So, while I'm very sad to be away from my husband and my dogs and my Shala family, this time is very welcome.  I've lost touch with my work, my true center, and I need to find it again. And the practice is the key for me.  That and a lot of time for going inward.  I love solitude!  Being 'out' there in the world so much of late is not something I'm used to!  I've lived a monk's life, in many ways, so I suppose that is what is next for me--learning how to live clearly from knowing who I am while being out there in this crazy, beautiful world of ours!

Off I go for some tea and reading the Taittiriya Upanishad (I feel a collective groan from my class mates!).  No, I couldn't bring them all, so I picked this one as the most appropriate to the work I'm doing here.  I couldn't bring many books--too much weight for the luggage!  But I have plenty to read, including a very cool new trilogy Matt turned me onto.  The first book's name, The Shadow of the Torturer.  Okay, so that sounds really interesting to me already.  Severian is one interesting guy.  All written in the first person, which I love.  Flays people for a living.  Uh, huh.  Interesting!

More to follow when I have more to say.  I'll share more about the practice too as it develops and whatever new stuff that comes of it.  All my love... 

Vienna bound

Well, I'll be leaving for Vienna soon. I'll be gone from April 19 through May 10! For those who don't already know, I'm off to a three-week yoga intensive with my teacher's teacher, Zhander Remete (click here to see more about Zhander and Shadow Yoga). While I'm doing a lot of other things this week, mostly I'm getting ready for my trip.  It's very exciting, of course.  People have been extremely supportive of my going. Lita, a lovely teacher at the Shala, sat with me for over an hour with a map, showing me places to go.  It was so visual that I felt I had been there!  People are sharing places to eat, to sit and drink tea, museums.  I've been busy thinking through how I'm going to eat, how to make my electronics all work.  Very fun.  I will have a LOT of free time and I'll find some free wi-fi to do emailing and blogging each day. I have many books to read, things to watch on my computer and iPod.  I'll be well prepared.  I even bought a pair of galoshes, remember those? for my shoes! It will likely be cool and a bit rainy while I'm there.

I'll be posting things while there to keep everyone apprised of all the exciting happenings (exciting for me, at least!). This is my first trip to Austria, and I'll be pretty much on my own.  I'm looking forward to all the alone time, actually.  I'll miss my husband and dogs terribly, of course. And I'll miss the entire Yoga Shala community!