Tree in the forest?

If I write a blog, but nobody reads it, are there any words? Or if I write these words, but nobody reads them, do they have meaning? Or...who gives a crap, eh???

A woman with horses...

It's interesting. I'm finding, increasingly, that words don't come. It's getting harder for me to find them, whether I'm writing, speaking, thinking. There's no rage, no windmills to battle, no great truths to write about. Just a growing sense of quiet. I'm not sure this is the same thing as peace. I don't always feel peaceful. There is inner turmoil, a struggle between the world of language, work and community, and my only clear, remaining desire to be alone in a place of quiet, with my horse in the mountains, walking my dog by the lake. Me, my horse, a dog or two. Walking in fields littered with the most beautifully configured dead limbs and trees. Tall grass. And wind. When I'm not there, my mind is there. For sure my heart is there. I've never been at ease in the world, but I always thought I was supposed to 'do' something in it. But it's hard to engage in the world when there is no struggle, nothing to conquer, with no real desire to 'do' anything or say anything. It's hard to construct a story out of nothing. A story requires words, so where are we when there are no words? Nowhere? Everywhere? I don't know. Sometimes I feel nowhere, like nothing, invisible. Sometimes I feel everywhere, totally connected, and everywhere I look I see the eye of god looking back at me. God looking at god. But I do know it's very hard to be in this body without a story, without words, a narrative of your life. I am....this... A woman with a horse who likes to walk in the mountains...

The world is a strange place...

...and I'm still trying to figure out how to live in it. We had this thing develop in the past three weeks that looked to be something awesome. John and I have always dreamed of having a real home with property. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to have my horse with me on my own place. So a friend suggested we talk to her ex-husband about property they used to live on together. 6+ acres, cute house, lovely surroundings. It needs a ton of work, so we'd work on it and renovate in exchange for rent. We met with him, got along well, things were very positive. Emailing took place, negotiations were made. It all looked like a huge YES! We met with him again on Saturday, it was a go. He was going to leave a key so we could start on the place. We went out and spent some time on Sunday looking at the property, dreaming, planning. We came home to an email, an EMAIL, that indicated he was changing his mind.

We were stunned. We had spent a lot of time talking about how perfect it was, how taken care of we were, how we could afford to live on the income we presently have, our dreams of having land and a place like that to call home. We planned repairs, we planned pasture renovations. We went pretty deep into this.

And now, poof, gone. Like piss in the wind. So that's life. It is. That's my experience of how life goes. Did we create this? I guess we did. But we are not stupid people, nor overly naive, and neither of us saw this coming.

So back to plan A. We have a nice apartment, my horse has a nice home. For the next few months we are able to swing it. I will have to make an income asap to make sure we swing it for much longer than a few months. Okay, that was the original plan. Where this came from and why, I have no idea. We were treated shabbily. We probably dodged a huge bullet with this guy. But still, the question lingers. Why? Why have it come up, why have it taken away? The question most asked by human beings when they are faced with something that seems impossible or incomprehensible. Why?

The world is a strange, strange place. I have always found it to be so. I've manifested some wonderful things. A great partnership with a wonderful man. Strong and loving bonds with my assorted dogs, horses, birds. I love the world in its natural state. If I had my own way, I'd live in a log cabin with minimal amenities, have my husband, horse, and dog with me, and nothing more. I'd be happy not having anything or anyone else in my life. I'd grow things, food we could eat, ride my horse, ride into town every so often for supplies, but other than that, not have much to do with anyone else. I just don't think I'm cut out for community. As a friend once said, community is a good idea, but then you have to deal with the people. This is what I want, and all I want:

More Dakota

Seems like that is all I post about these days is my horse! I've been doing a lot of groundwork with her and of course taking her on our mountain walks. My friend, Trish, took some pictures of me playing with my fuzzy baby!

Another day walking in the mountains

This past weekend we had some wonderful time walking in the mountains with Dakota, Mila and our friend, the stable barn dog, Buddy. That's buddy in the picture of me and Dakota. The views around the stable and from the hills around it are quite spectacular! And as you can see, the clouds on that day were pretty dramatic. That's often the way it is in the winter here. It can be cold and wet, but even the wet days have dry spells and the skies are often quite restless and beautiful.

Dakota and the dogs and me.

John appreciating the view...

Blogs combined

A recent photo of me with the family...

I've decided that too many blogs makes for confusion. So I'm combining my personal blogs into one. Just don't have time for so many and I'll probably have a hard time keeping up with this one. I will update my experiences with Dakota here as well as my experiences in my life!